Unhinged, A Dating Series: What’s Your Type?
My journey through the dense forests of the dating app world has begun. I’ve prepared—built my shelter of appealing photos and activated a public profile, a smattering of digital pheromones sent out in the hopes of attracting rare specimens. I’m an explorer through a land of wild fauna.
Recently, I went on a string of dates with a scientist—let’s call her Rachel. She is extremely nerdy, slightly quiet, formal, and quite outside my usual lane. To be honest, I had my doubts when we matched. She was attractive and friendly in our initial chat, but pursuing someone different from my past relationships felt strange. I even found myself talking this all out with my friends while contemplating a first date.
In general, daunted by the diversity and sheer amount of prospects in the palm of my hand, I’ve been wondering about the filtration process we must go through to even consider matching with someone. We all do a certain amount of arithmetic in our heads.
I’ve noticed that I can sometimes subconsciously rely on old preferences to mitigate the overwhelm. In so much of our world, we are spoiled for choice: taco shops, television shows, tennis shoes, all filtered and reviewed to perfectly satisfy our needs. Does this encourage us to seek out newness, or does it reinforce our tendency to keep giving ourselves what we already know that we like?
This can apply to dating, too. I’ve found that having a type doesn’t necessarily correlate to looks. Instead, I’ve noticed, many of us tend to follow dating patterns. Maybe we relate to them because they come from a similar socioeconomic background or have a similar belief system. Or perhaps we subconsciously seek out people based on our attachment styles.
For example, if you grew up in an avoidant household and often find yourself attracting people you want to “fix,” it may be because there’s something similar in you that also needs attention. Relationship Therapist Lori Gottlieb says “we attract our unfinished business.” Often, she adds, it’s because we are trying to “master a situation over which we had no control as a child.”
Recently, I was listening to an episode of The Happiness Lab podcast titled “Date Like a Scientist.” Guest Logan Ury, a relationship scientist for Hinge and dating coach for Netflix’s The Later Daters, explains that unwittingly leaning into our “types” can come with serious pitfalls. “So, so many people think, I know exactly what I want, and just need to find them,” she says. “What they don’t understand is that they’ve actually dated that type many times and it hasn’t worked out.” The problem is they aren’t noticing the pattern.
For instance, maybe you’re a writer, and you think it makes sense to seek out other creative types like you. Yet, these relationships may leave you feeling continuously dissatisfied. Maybe the reason is because you feel limited by sameness. You already satisfy the creative side of yourself in your writing. A better partner might be someone who brings a totally new set of interests into your world—such as a love of padel or volunteer work. That person would help balance you by bringing a unique perspective. In fact, it’s possible that pairing would help you become an even better writer.
Of course, the other pitfall of dating, especially via dating apps, is filtering out people who might be great matches just because they don’t meet whatever physical attributes you’ve decided define your type. Ury uses the example of women who believe they have a type preference for tall men.
“In the United States, only 14 percent of men are six foot or higher. And so they are automatically filtering out 86 percent of potential matches,” she says. The most important thing we should look for, she adds, is someone who makes us feel great about ourselves.
Dating like a scientist can help you watch out for these traps and challenge your preconceived notions about the type of person you think you should be with. Question assumptions, test hypotheses, and re-evaluate your theories when you start to feel old patterns spring up.
Here’s an example from my own life: Physically, I go for quite a broad range of people, with no clear visual pattern that pulls me in. But I have noticed a recurring theme. In the past, I’ve been drawn to people who, in some potent way, seem ultra-compelling—avid travelers, creatives, musicians, athletes. Their sense of identity is centered by this trait, which can be fascinating. It feels like a golden glow that I want to be surrounded by or learn from.
I’m curious, broad-minded, and drawn to creativity by nature. Interesting ideas and people light me up. But what I’ve realized through my past relationships is that, deep down, I actually get competitive with these people, which causes me to ignore other red flags. I want them to think I’m golden, too.
And that’s when I start to devalue myself in the relationship or sell out my own values, because I’ve overlooked some of the quieter traits that we need to have in common. I start to overcompensate to make up for those mismatches, and then both of us are unhappy. A product of getting older, too, is reprioritizing what I want from my life as a whole, and that includes the kind of experiences I want to have with people.
A healthier choice for me is grounded in stability. I’m realizing that that doesn’t have to equal boring. And it doesn’t mean someone who isn’t talented, creative, or spontaneous. It means the way they present themselves in the world isn’t centered around those traits. They have a quality to them that is earth-bound and consistent.
I’m now looking for someone who is running the long-game of a good life, shares my core values and virtues—including the quieter, less visible ones—and brings a healthy dose of calm and regulation to my life. I’m learning that I can exist in harmony and contrast with someone who lets my strengths shine on their own without competition or quantification. And, ultimately, I believe (or hope) someone like that will uplift versus exhaust me.
My old type seems to be all over the apps, advertising their many travels, ambitious workout routines, and dazzling life experiences. I’m seeing hotties on frozen mountaintops and cuties crowded with friends at the beach. I’ve been challenging myself to swipe right on people who, at first blush, may not have been my first choice. And it’s hard.
I’m skipping over a lot of people who I know will not be what I’m looking for in the long run. Instead, I’m considering how thoughtfully potential matches answer prompts, what they are conveying their values to be, and how they seem to relate to other people and worrying less about whether their interests align with mine or if I’m overwhelmingly attracted to them from the jump. By adjusting my type, I’m hoping to adjust my outcome. I guess I’ll have to run the experiment.
Take Rachel, for instance. Aspects of her profile hinted at a deep commitment to family, long term personal goals, and a strong work ethic—all qualities I know I’m really looking for. While she was physically good-looking, I didn’t feel an immediate attraction, but I challenged myself to explore more. What I discovered, after meeting up with her, was a deeply sweet, funny, and interesting person.
We ended up talking for three hours on our first date and repeated the pattern on dates two and three. I found a deep respect for my date and discovered that attraction can grow through familiarity. I was more excited to see her the more we spent time together. And I also felt good about myself after these interactions.
Ultimately, we decided we weren’t a match for other reasons, but I came away from the experience intrigued and invigorated by the possibilities out there when I let go of my old preferences and let a new kind of person shine in my eyes. Of course, this is about practice. It’s more comfortable choosing the familiar, so I’m making sure to catch myself when I want to stick to what I know. Sometimes, I’m going to get it right; other times, I may find myself back where I started. But that’s the fun part of getting back into dating— growing, learning, and meeting all kinds of great people along the way.
Do you have a type? How often are you challenging yourself to step outside of your idealized vision of your perfect partner? Let me know. I’d love to talk about it.
If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here with columnist Nicolle Monico. And follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week from new writer Natalie Cooper.
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